Saturday, July 20, 2019

It's Surreal

I'm still sick.. and it's getting worse. The tinnitus took a jump in intensity and it's making it really difficult to sleep, and sometimes it wakes me up. It gets so intense.. you can't imagine. The 'nausea', as I call it, is getting worse as well. I've never been able to properly explain what it feels like to anyone in a way that makes sense. It's like a slow drip of anti-freeze in my blood.. horrible.

I did hire a new doctor just recently and I'm being slow getting all the initial testing done due to procrastination or whatever it is. My shrink suggested her as he's got good results. She's an M.D., former surgeon, who now specializes in something called "functional medicine". I didn't bother to google it since only the results matter. The first appointment I had with her was a 3 hour long dialog. When my shrink suggested it, "holistic" popped into my head, and this is not that. Seems like this is the last opportunity for me. She doesn't accept insurance.. so.. you can imagine.

I don't hear from anyone but one sister. You'd think that at least family would be interested in my well being, but from what one said recently, that they don't is apparently my fault.

The whole thing is so strange. I'm very different now. Better in a way. If this doc can get me healthy, I'll be back in the gym, and I'll be doing things.. lots of things. If not.. well, I don't plan to live out the rest of my life in this condition.

Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Eh, Maybe

Thinking about starting up the blog again.  I'm still not feeling great but I keep seeing insane shit on facebook and I simply can't just point to people that are on my friends list and call them fucking insane.  This blog was always a good outlet for that type of thing.  Since we're heading into the insanity that is presidential elections again, it might be relieve some of my boredom, and believe me, I'm bored out of my fucking mind.

I'm also likely to get annoyed by the Loon Brigade going on and on about how us heathens are waging war on their Christmas.  I have no idea, short of stealing their trees and decorations, we would do that.. but god damn.. 'tis the Season to be Persecuted.

On my medical situation.. I'm half-way through about ~18 months of braces.  Once everything is completed, the braces come off, the bite forces adjusted, and I still end up with nauseating levels of tinnitus, I'm just going to give up and see how long my savings will last if I'm living on the street.  I'll be the wealthiest mother fucker at the intersection holding up a sign reading "demons in my head, please help!"

Or maybe it really will cure the tinnitus.  If that actually happens, I'm going on a binge of another sort.. sex, drugs and rock & roll.

As it stands now... I'm having a hard time getting work done.  Maybe I should go on disability, but then that would likely end my career.

Well, whatever.. I wrote this entry and it didn't cause my head to explode, so maybe I can get back to it and bring my vast audience the humorous entertainment I had previously been unknown for.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

I'm Still Alive

Holy lack of updates, Batman.  So here's the news...

I had a sleep study done and got results this morning. I do have obstructive sleep apnea in the mild to moderate range. I'm having 9 apneas per hour and my blood O2 bottoms out at 84%. The doc says it's not severe enough to need a CPAP machine, but rather an oral appliance that keeps the airway open while sleeping. Now I need to make an appointment with a dentist to get fitted. I consider this good news as it's most likely the explanation of why I'm constantly exhausted and have headaches. It may also resolve the ringing in my ears, which would be awesome. I had always thought that it was only heavy set guys that had that problem, but seems not. Even a fit person could have the issue if their anatomy is configured a certain way, which mine apparently is.

In other news, I was contacted earlier this week by the company that picked up the VA contract I've worked on since 2007, and had an interview with them yesterday afternoon. They had asked me up front what kind of money it would take for me to leave MegaCorp, and I threw out an absurd number and they said that was fine. The offer sheet is coming in a few hours. I'm pretty sure I'm going to take it as I'd like to continue on with what I've been working on. I'm just not a big fan of changing jobs frequently, but it's been 12 years so I think it's time. I had told MegaCorp a year ago that I was underpaid and they gave me something like a 5k raise, while claiming it was the best they could do under the organization rules. They're going to keep bleeding talent until they learn basic economics.

It's a $25k raise.. wheeeeeeee...

Oh.. and I hear from Kris that Doug is running for Congress after the encouraging 5th place finish he had in running for city council.


Monday, August 19, 2013


cough*6 figures*cough

Now we know how “Sex and the City’s” Carrie Bradshaw could afford a closet full of designer shoes as a freelance writer: A new study finds that sexually active people make more money.
And if you do it more than four times a week, you earn even more, the study shows.
“There is a monotonic relationship between the frequency of sexual activity and wage returns,” Nick Drydakis, a senior economics lecturer at Anglia Ruskin University in England wrote in a paper for the International Journal of Manpower.

It doesn't say if dancing with yourself qualifies.

Monday, August 05, 2013

And In The End

Sullivan is having his 15 year old beagle put down.  It's awful.  I hate reading about it or thinking about it, from anyone.

Riley is only 3.  He's got a very long way to go.  Token is 9, but his breed is long lived.  They were our dogs, but now they're my dogs.  Hopefully I'll get my shit together soon enough that they become our dogs again.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Haven't posted in a long time.  I guess the only thing new is an update on my medical saga.

I saw a third ENT, supposedly an expert in tinnitus at UT South Western.  He did an exam, looked at my records and determined that I have tinnitus.  Duh. He had no treatment options other than what I've tried so far except for what he called 'tinnitus retraining', which is kind of like getting allergy shots.  It takes about a year or so and is expensive.  I guess they just teach a patient how to live with it.  Fuck.

It's not something I want to start doing now considering my goal of moving to Phoenix.  I think there's more going on than just the tinnitus.  The ENT finally said something that nobody else has in that he agrees I had an 'event'.  Something sudden happened to me, whether it was a viral infection or some sort of change in the brain.  I've been tested for many viral infections including HIV, syphilis, etc., and it's all been negative.

I've been having fatigue problems also, severe problems with energy levels and I take one or two rather lengthy naps every day.  The ENT suggested the potential of my having narcolepsy or chronic fatigue syndrome.  I saw my psych yesterday and she was intrigued by the possibility.  I did some reading on narcolepsy and my symptoms (not including the tinnitus) seem to fit a mild case.  The diagnosis for the condition will require a sleep study.  I may contact my PCP to update her with the info and see if she wants to coordinate the 'working up' of the condition.

Narcolepsy is basically a condition where the normal sleep cycle of the body is disturbed. REM sleep is critical in sleeping and narcoleptics have whacked sleep rhythms.  Even though they sleep, the body doesn't actually get the proper rest and so they are tired constantly.  It's the same as if they got very little sleep at all even though they may have slept for 8 hours.  In severe cases, they may even start hallucinating during waking periods as if they haven't had any sleep at all for many days because, as far as their body is concerned, they haven't.

An interesting theory about narcolepsy is that it might be an evolutionary hold-over.  From the wiki;

Narcolepsy may represent an evolutionary atavism. According to Tsoukalas (2012) REM sleep is an evolutionary transformation of a well-known defensive mechanism, the tonic immobility reflex. This reflex, also known as animal hypnosis or death feigning, functions as the last line of defense against an attacking predator and consists of the total immobilization of the animal: the animal appears dead (cf. "playing possum"). The neurophysiology and phenomenology of this reaction shows striking similarities to REM sleep, a fact which betrays a deep evolutionary kinship. For example, both reactions exhibit brainstem control, paralysis, sympathetic activation, and thermoregulatory changes. This theory, which integrates many research findings into a unified and evolutionarily well informed framework, also sheds light on the phenomenon of narcolepsy.
A couple months ago, the psych put me on Wellbutrin, which has a mild psycho-stimulative effect.  It didn't have any effect on me.  Six weeks ago, she switched me to Ritalin.  The dosage was pretty low, but I did feel a mild stimulative effect.  It was weak and short acting. I'd need a much higher dosage.  I told her that I felt like we were trying to kill an elephant with a BB gun and that we need to take it up a notch.  Yesterday she switched me to Adderall, also known as Amphetamine salts.  This is the stuff they give pilots on long trips ("go pills"), and athletes abuse as a performance enhancing drug.  This morning was my first dose.  The effect is different than Ritalin, and I think it's doing something.  I feel almost normal.  I also got some clonapin (a benzodiazepine) to help bring the tinnitus intensity down.  At this moment, it's pretty low.

The problem with these two drugs is that both are prone to tolerance, which is where the body needs more and more over time to achieve the same effect.  They're both addicting, in that coming off them sucks.  Withdrawal symptoms will happen.  I told the shrink that I can't continue on the current path of being excessively tired and the ringing screaming in my ears so this is a trade off I'm willing to have.

The idea is that this will get me able and motivated to get some things done, both at work and for moving to Phoenix.  I know that getting back in the gym may help me get my patterns back on track.  I need to be tired and drowsy when it's time to go to bed.  I need to get to sleep at the same time every night, and get a restful sleep.  That will help me during the day and decrease my need for speed.

Having an incurable illness is not something I ever expected would happen to me.  I had been pretty damn healthy for my entire life up until October of 2011.  Now I've got two incurable, but somewhat treatable, illnesses.  I need to manage them better, and look for other possibilities.  When I get to Phoenix, I'm going to try both hypnotherapy and acupuncture for the tinnitus.  I don't expect it'll help since my tinnitus appears to be grounded in something physiological that can't be fixed.  At this point, I will try anything.  As I'm sitting here this moment, the ringing intensity is pretty damn low and with the speed in my system, I feel nearly normal.  This is a state that I could do pretty well in.  The meds just can't keep me in this state indefinitely due to the tolerance.  I have to use this time to find other, more sustainable, ways to be this way.  My diet sucks and I need to be working out.  Those I can fix, but knowing me it won't be until I get to Phoenix.

I still miss John, and think about him a lot.  He had medical conditions worse, by a good margin, than mine.  I was tempted to think of our illness as an age thing, since we both had hit our middle 40s, but in my case, I don't think it is.  What I have can impact even children. I've been lucky to have been pretty healthy for so many years. Many young people have it far worse than I.  I just need the energy to take control and make progress.  I've been blaming myself for my poor progress with work and moving, but I'm just having to force myself to realize that these conditions are real and intense.  It's not a moral failing.  I'm not being lazy. I'm ill, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let physicians try and do the bare minimum for me to be able to get by.  I'm telling them now how I need to feel to function and they need to prescribe and properly dose to get me there.  I'm a strong willed guy, and I'll deal with the consequences of the meds when I have to.  I know addiction, I smoked for quite a while, and 7 years ago I decided to quit cold turkey.  No problem.  Of course, after John passed, I picked up the smokes again, but I know that when I want to, I can put them down without a problem.  They serve a purpose right now, so fuck it.  True, benzos and amphetamines are in a league beyond smoking addiction, but if I'm well enough, I can kick anything.

Mr. W. is being patient, but we're both eager to get this new phase in our lives started.  Right this moment is the closest to feeling like myself since I got sick.  I hope this keeps up, or even gets better.  I need to will myself to get out of the rut I've been in.  Being alone here doesn't help.  Well, I've got the dogs and I love them to pieces so I need to provide them a better home and more activity.  Riley is a spaz.  He needs the time and the space to be a spaz.  He's 3 years old now, and being a young dog he needs stimulation and challenges. When I get to Phoenix and the weather cools off, he's going to get it.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

One Major Victory

DOMA gets bitch slapped by the Supremos.  Teh Gay is back in California.. yay

I've come to the conclusion that the only difference between republican and democratic presidents is their Supreme Court picks.  That's a good enough reason to vote for the slightly-less-evil candidate.

Well.. once Teh Gay is nation-wide, it won't really matter.  That's all I really care about.

Oh.. and for the right-wing christian freaks that have been working the demean the lives and families of millions of gay people.. all I can say is..

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


Gamers... what is your profession?

Making money.. Making money.. MAKING A FUCKTON* OF MONEY!

Sorry.. just a little bit excited.

*a 'fuckton' is technically a relative term

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Ears Have It

Ever since the ringing in my ears started, I've also had a really hard time with fatigue.  My shrink recently put me Wellbutrin because it has a mild stimulative effect.  It didn't seem to do anything.  Last week I saw her and she changed the med to Ritalin.  That's had a pretty big effect.. while it's active in my system.  There's been a big change to the nature of the ringing in my ears as well.  It's not gone, but it's much less intense and just feels different.  The problem I have now is that she prescribed it for twice a day, but it only lasts about 4 hours in my system.  I think I need to get a higher dosage and in the extended release variety to try and cover about 15 hours of the day.

I know that when the ringing came on, something had happened to me.  This isn't a result of hearing loss.  Something in my brain got tweaked that doesn't show up on an MRI.  The good news is that I've got a referral to a doctor at the University of Texas (UTSW).  Apparently this guy doesn't just have a conveyor belt of patients rolling by him.  From what I understand, he's interested in complex and rare conditions and might actually try and figure out what's going on.  UTSW also has some of the more sophisticated methods of treating tinnitus.

Here's hoping..

Gay Mafia

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Francis lamented that a "gay lobby" was at work at the Vatican in private remarks to the leadership of a key Latin American church group — a stunning acknowledgment that appears to confirm earlier reports about corruption and dysfunction in the Holy See.

What the fuck is the "gay lobby" in the Catholic church?  The vast majority of priests are gay.. for fucks sake.

Saturday, June 08, 2013


My manager at MegaCorp just sent me a friend request on FaceBook.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Irony Alert

I'm going to cut myself.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013


I am the Dark Lord of FreeCell.

Monday, June 03, 2013


The guys are working on the box cover art for the game.  There's been a tremendous amount of design ideas and iterations.  We're trying to make something that when somebody is browsing games, it'll get their attention.

Pretty cool shit.

Oh.. and I ran two league races today with some pretty quick fellows and finished 4th and 2nd.  The biggest reason I do okay is that at the start of a race, I'll give lots of space to other cars and don't push very hard.  It's better to let other cars take each other out and just drive on by.

As they say.. a race is not won on the first corner.. which is a lesson that F1 driver Romain Grosjean has had problems with. Fernando Alonso came within inches of his head being removed from his shoulders.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Elevate Me

I got a promotion at MegaCorp to Svc Info Developer IV in January, which is the top grade of code monkey at the company.  I've officially hit the glass ceiling unless I want to go into management, which I do not want to do because I'm not a 'people person'.  Better said.. I'm brutally honest.  The actual increase in salary took until this week to come through.  My manager told me she requested it be made retro-active, but that, apparently, meant only back to May 1st and not January when I got promoted.  I've decided not to bitch because getting anything out of MegaCorp is a coup.

We might even get raises this year on top of a bonus.  A percentage increase on a larger salary is.. a larger increase!  I'm well into my 40s now, and I know this is when I need to earn to setup my.. errr.. our retirement, and it's working.  It's all coming together.

I'm feeling rather proud of myself right now.  I 'work' from home, have a great reputation in the industry, and made it to Alpha Geek status.  I also have a great future with Mr. W., and many great things (including family) waiting for me when I get moved to Phoenix.  I can go anywhere and do anything.  If Mr. W. and I want to move anywhere in the US just because we want to try something different, we can.  When we retire, hopefully early, we'll even have a chance to have a summer and winter home.  We can snowbird it.  Heck, retiring early might not be worth doing because my job is so incredible that I might as well just keep at it.  Mr. W. likes his job as well, so what the hell..

The game is coming along nicely.. we're closing in on roughly 8 months to shipping it.  It's going to be epic.  Imagine the press when a community funded and development assisted game hits the market without a big publisher.  The 'big thing' is still a possibility, but either way it's going to be huge.  I've got rights to the sequel locked up, and the studio head is an awesome gentleman that wants us to succeed just as much as his company.

I spent the long weekend (4 days) in Phoenix with Mr. W.  We had a great time... did lots of cool things.  I even sat in a Jaguar F-Type.  I got a boner.  I might be able to buy one in a couple of years.

Honestly, I've had the worst year of my life and possibly the best year all at the same time.  I still miss John terribly and know that he wanted all of those things with me.  It just didn't work out that way.  Hell, I would have done a 3-way relationship with him and Mr. W.  Gay guys are allowed to do that.. Oh, and I've got a couple of really cool dogs.  They're going to be very happy to get moved to Phoenix.  They'll have a bigger yard, and my sisters' dogs to play with.

I can't help feeling that maybe John had a hand in it all turning around.. on a dime.  If his goal was to change me into a very different person, he succeeded.  I even used the 'L' word with Mr. W., and that's something I've never done before.  It was nice.