...

I was supposed to go meet a friend of John's brother at Johns house so he could pick up a few things.  I called in sick, and just gave them the code to the garage door.  I couldn't do it today.  I need to go back there to get a few more things, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to.

I'm having a hard day.  It's an incredible weight of sadness that's overcoming me.  I tried taking the dogs for a walk.  They seemed happy enough since they haven't got out since we moved.  The park is boring.  It's not like the park by John's house, which had a big pond, streams, ducks, trees, very long paths.  I started crying again halfway through our walk and hoped nobody would notice.  I don't think I've ever cried for this length of time in any one day before.

I took a milligram of klonapin.  That'll probably put me to sleep.

I haven't done much of anything.  I need to do laundry.. unpack boxes.  I have a list of things that I keep adding to but never scratch any off.

Mostly, I'm lonely.  I keep seeing John in my mind's eye.  I keep wishing he was here.  I keep blaming myself that he's not. I don't know that I have the will for anymore.  The dogs I guess, although I'm sure I could find a new family for them... one with 2 parents and kids... someplace with a nice back yard.  I'm sure they would be happy.

This is a bad day.