Saturday, January 05, 2013

What's Wrong With Me?

I haven't been posting more than once a day lately.  Normally I'm fairly stable at night.  I'm not really sure why.  The bad time of day is usually around noon.  For some reason, tonight I'm having the jittery feeling, and my chest/stomach has the sick feel.  That's normally a morning/noon thing.

Riley is playing with his stuffed dog, with the squeaker in his paws.  It's his favorite toy.  John bought it for him.  Token is laying next to me.  He used to always need to be next to John, both on the couch and in bed.

I guess I'm just writing this to try and head off a panic attack.

In for a penny, in for a pound.. right?  If this is going to be my grief blog, I might as well just write without filters.

I don't understand this feeling I'm having.  I've been eating more, and had a lot for dinner last night.  I don't think it can be about food.  I'm taking the vitamins and prescription meds I'm supposed to.  My blood pressure is okay.  It physically hurts.  I've said that John's passing was metaphorically like having a large piece of me simply ripped out of my body, but that's actually is how this feels.  It's as if my guts are all twisted up in knots, and I have 10 pound weights on my chest.

I don't think it helps that my ears are still ringing.  I've been using the masking devices for quite a few hours, at the louder sound level, and it's not doing anything.

I've been feeling this way for a month now.  It's the 1 month mark since John passed today.  Maybe that has something to do with how bad a day I've had. 

I spent a lot of time in the 'bargaining' stage earlier today.  I laid in bed and talked to John.. asking him to help me, making promises of things I would do if I could just feel some peace for a while.  I want the weight lifted.. I want to feel okay.  I apologize to him, and I plead.  I bawl like a little girl.

I know, it will take time, right?  Maybe.  In the meantime, I'm sitting on the couch, in John's spot, with a small dog leaning against me, a laptop in my lap, and an NFL playoff game on the tv.  It's Saturday night.  I want to go to bed, but I'll end up waking at 3:00am.

Riley is wandering around the house now.  I think he's still looking for John.  He's just climbed up on the couch and now has his head resting on my shoulder, and a paw is shaking.  I wonder how worse I'd be without the dogs?

Am I not supposed to be adjusting?  What happens if I'm still like this a month from now.. 6 months from now?  A year?

At dinner last night, John's best friend, Diane, told me that when the Biggest Loser tv show was shooting a season in Dallas, John went and auditioned for it.  When John had mentioned to me that he might do that, I told him I thought it was a bad idea, and that he should get his weight under control via diet and some sensible exercise.  He had a heart attack in 2010, and the intensity of that show seemed excessive to me.  John didn't seem to think he could even tell me that he auditioned anyway. It's as if he was afraid I was going to leave him.  I could never have done that.

The more things that I find that he kept secret from me, the more that tells me about myself.  I always told John everything going on with me.. not that there was ever much, but I didn't have any secrets from him.  I didn't see any reason to have any.

I've spent about 45 minutes writing this.. while looking up at the game.  I avoided a melt-down I think, but there's still at least 3 hours to go until bed time.

Typically on a Saturday night, we'd have dinner (in or out), and then settle on the couch and watch a movie.  Occasionally, we'd go to some social event or other.  We used to do those a lot more in previous years.  At around 11:00 or so, John would head off to bed with this laptop, and I'd head to the study to play a game.  I'd always wait about 15 minutes for John and the dogs to get settled in the bed, then I'd head in there to brush Riley and Token, and talk with John for a while. 

That's not such an extraordinary thing.  I'm sure every couple has their rituals.  It's just unbelievable to me that I would exhange anything to be able to do that tonight.  Thats how bargaining happens. 

Riley still has his head on my shoulder, and he's asleep.  I can tell he's dreaming because he twitches like he's running in his dream. 

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