Sunday, January 06, 2013

The Lonliness of Being Alone

I woke up this morning and felt shitty.. which is not unusual.  I think I know what the 'jitters' that I'm feeling are.  It takes time for the Zoloft to really kick in.. more than a month usually, and I just started upping the dosage by 50mg.  Since I take it before bed, I think that's what is causing that.  Google confirms other people using the word 'jitter' to describe the sensation.  I just have to hang in there until it settles.

I was laying in bed (again), and managed to force myself to get up and take the dogs to the dog park.  It was 55 out, and it felt okay to me.  Riley and Token had fun, as they always do.  It was weird being there without John.  I suppose 'weird' isn't the right word.  It's just we always went together, and we'd sit on the wall and talk while the dogs ran around.  We liked to people watch too, and talk about them.

I'm very much a creature of habit, and John was such a huge part of my every day life.  About the only thing I didn't do with him was play video games.  Even when I was working, he was quite often at his desk in the study too.  I haven't played any games since he passed.  It seems somehow disrespectful, although it would probably be the best distraction for me.

Come to think of it, I highly doubt I ever went a month without playing a video game in my entire life, going back to 1975. 

John was addicted to Farmville for a number of months.  He had an OCD about how the farm needed to be designed.  It needed to be neat and organized.  He eventually lost interest in it, but I think he turned to the social aspect of Facebook in a similar way that I play video games.  That's why he had over 400 friends on it. 

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