Friday, January 18, 2013

Dear Diary

I went to bed fairly early (for me) last night, took an Ambien, and actually slept through until the 7:00am alarm.  I made it to the audiologist appointment on time, and the rep for the masking devices helped do some adjustments to them.  I felt okay.

After the appointment, I went to my Frisco house to try and organize a few things and throw out some trash.  I lasted 15 minutes before the panic attack started coming on.  I started crying in the car, and it lasted pretty much all the way back to Richardson.  I did a lot of the same begging and pleading.  When I got home, I checked mail and got in bed... popped half an Ambien and slept a few hours.

I dread living in that house again. 

I went to another Al Anon meeting last night. There were a lot less people there, so during 'sharing', I told the story. It was hard to do. There is another meeting tomorrow at 9;00am. I should go, but I'm not much of a morning person.. especially on Saturday. At least one of the people at the meeting last night made a reasonable argument on why John's passing isn't entirely my fault. I guess that's something.

I miss John so much.  He was everything to me and made my life wonderful.  I'm also mad at him for giving up.  I'm mad at myself for allowing it. 


How about someting that isn't totally depressing? 

I was looking at the letter I got from the company that funds the shrink visits.  Included in the letter is this;


IMPORTANT:  Can you read this letter?  If not, we can have somebody help you read it.  You may also be able to get this letter written in your language.  For free help, please call right away at...

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