Thursday, January 17, 2013

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Stopping the med did not stop the jitters.  It might have been a little better.  I'm not sure.  I should know better tomorrow.  I'm planning to go to another Al Anon meeting tonight. It should be smaller than Monday's. I don't know if I'm going to explain to the group why I'm there.

I ran out of valium, but John had about 20 left in a bottle.  I get 2mg pills, low dose, but John's are 10mg.  I was just going to cut them into quarters.  A few minutes ago, I got the pills and went to put one in the pill cutter and I noticed it looked wrong.  Valium are flat, with a line down the middle that can be used to line up the pill cutter.  These were round-ish yellow pills.  I looked up the number on the pill on google, and it's not valium.  It's just an anti-inflammation pill, used off label in animals.  I think they were left over pills from a dog of John's that was very old and very sick, put to sleep in 2010.

I checked the fill date on the bottle, and it's 11/17.  If it had been 12/4, then that would have a very different story.  I still find it odd.  So many things don't make sense to me.  I do have another refill so I'll just order it and pick it up on my way back home tonight.

I had a pretty severe melt-down at around 2:00pm.  I thought I was starting to have less of those.  The dogs seem to understand what's happening.  Riley tries to comfort me when I calm down.  All I can say is that he's a very unusual dog.

When I lay in bed and try and take a nap, a weird thing keeps happening.  I can tell I'm about to nod off, but there feels like a sudden shock in my brain that hurts and I end up wide awake again.  I shouldn't be laying in bed anyway.  That's when the vast majority of the melt-downs happen.  I just feel so exhausted.

From what I've read of other people's experiences, it seems that progress can be slow.  It just doesn't seem like there is any progress.  I know it's up to me to take the necessary steps.  It's a nice day outside.  I should take the dogs for a walk, but I just can't.  It would probably help if I felt physically okay.  The obvious answer is that I need to eat right and start doing some cardio in the gym.

If I go to the gym, I'm going to see in my mind John on the treadmill next to me, and I'll fall apart.  I suppose, by now, it goes without saying that when we went to the gym together, I thought we were just at the gym together.  It was more than that.  I look back it as a time when the world was beautiful and I was feeling better than I ever had.  I got the endorphins from the exercise, and the feeling that life was just going to get better.


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