A good friend sent a letter recently that suggested something I hadn't thought of. My relationship with John was much more than just a 'marriage'. We were close.. intimate in our souls. It's true that I've never had a relationship with the depth I shared with John. We were part of each other. I don't know the right words to explain it, to be honest.
I'm not just grieving the loss of John, but also all of the things that made up our relationship.
I got through the weekend okay, and had a meltdown at the usual time today. I don't remember what started it. I do know that the topic of this particular fit was guilt.
John's father called this afternoon. He was having a hard time. The topic was the question of whether or not John took his own life or had a heart attack. He made a reasonable argument for the heart attack. I guess it matters to him because of.. guilt. He has less guilt if it was a heart attack. For me, it's the same either way.
The question persists of why John didn't tell me everything that was going on. I think I know why. There are multiple reasons. Pride... fear... embarrassment.. depression. I have a hard time reconciling the closeness of our relationship with the secrecy. I always told him when I had a problem. He always fixed them. I guess he didn't think I could have fixed his. I know I could have.
Token has been changing a lot lately. He's playing with toys on his own now. I've never seen him do that before.
I took the dogs to the playground today. They were running around for a while when suddenly Riley found a bird on the ground. He was confused. The bird tried to fly off but hit a gazebo. It fell back to the ground and Riley went after it. I called Riley off, and it was obvious the bird was already in distress when Riley found it. It sat in the grass with its wings stretched out. I wanted to help it, desperately. I knew I couldn't. Nature does what it does. I thought I should put it out of its misery, but I could never do that.
I gathered the dogs and walked them home. I cried pretty much the entire way.