Do Us Part

A good friend sent a letter recently that suggested something I hadn't thought of.  My relationship with John was much more than just a 'marriage'.  We were close.. intimate in our souls.  It's true that I've never had a relationship with the depth I shared with John.  We were part of each other.  I don't know the right words to explain it, to be honest.

I'm not just grieving the loss of John, but also all of the things that made up our relationship. 

I got through the weekend okay, and had a meltdown at the usual time today.  I don't remember what started it.  I do know that the topic of this particular fit was guilt. 

John's father called this afternoon.  He was having a hard time.  The topic was the question of whether or not John took his own life or had a heart attack.  He made a reasonable argument for the heart attack.  I guess it matters to him because of.. guilt.  He has less guilt if it was a heart attack.  For me, it's the same either way.

The question persists of why John didn't tell me everything that was going on.  I think I know why.  There are multiple reasons.  Pride... fear... embarrassment.. depression.  I have a hard time reconciling the closeness of our relationship with the secrecy.  I always told him when I had a problem.  He always fixed them.  I guess he didn't think I could have fixed his.  I know I could have.

....

Token has been changing a lot lately.  He's playing with toys on his own now.  I've never seen him do that before.

I took the dogs to the playground today.  They were running around for a while when suddenly Riley found a bird on the ground.  He was confused.  The bird tried to fly off but hit a gazebo.  It fell back to the ground and Riley went after it.  I called Riley off, and it was obvious the bird was already in distress when Riley found it.  It sat in the grass with its wings stretched out.  I wanted to help it, desperately.  I knew I couldn't.  Nature does what it does.  I thought I should put it out of its misery, but I could never do that.

I gathered the dogs and walked them home.  I cried pretty much the entire way.