Just Today

It's Christmas Eve.  John and I never made a big deal out of Christmas.  We didn't exchange gifts because we had what we needed. We used to go out to a restaurant that served a nice holiday meal.. at a hotel.  I liked that.

Tonight I'm going over to John's parent's house, with his sister and her family.  I don't know how this is going to go.

Tomorrow I'm going over to his sister's.  She sent me a message to let me know that they want to keep the day up-beat and positive, especially for the kids.  I totally understand that.  I was thinking I shouldn't go because I can burst into tears at any moment.  I'll probably end up going because to spend the entire Christmas day alone would be.. bad.  I'll end up spending most of it alone anyway.

I know things need to be changed going forward.  I still can't get myself to do much.  Paige took me to get groceries yesterday, and I got my hair cut.  I told her I feel like a 'special needs' child, and it's true.

Our very first Christmas together, John and I went to New York City.  It was wonderful.  We had only been dating for 2 months. We were together for 10 more years.

I'm not even close to having fond memories though.  All I feel now is the hollowness of him being gone.  Yes, I know that eventually the bad feelings will leave and the good memories will remain.  At least I hope so.  But, I live moment to moment, and each moment is a tiny slice of despair that he is gone.

Now I need to go get ready.  I feel cold all the time, and the heat of the shower makes me dizzy.

I do sincerely hope that those of you that read this have a nice holiday.  I'm sure I'm being depressing, but this is my reality now and I've always written about my reality.  If anything, situations like mine should remind people to not take the good times for granted.  Enjoy them, and cherish it.