Saturday, December 22, 2012

Hanging In

I haven't posted in a couple days.  The truth is, I'm having panic attacks.  My PCP is aware, and she changed a med to a stronger benzo.. but the Zoloft hasn't fully kicked in yet.  It takes about a month or so, but I can feel it.  It's like a heat rash on the surface of the brain.

MaryBeth and her husband came to clean out some stuff upstairs.  John kept things from decades ago.. papers, pictures, everything.  The guy who was so neat and orderly in everything is the man I met 10 years ago.  He wasn't the same when he passed.  Watching them go through the stuff set off another panic.  MaryBeth helps me through it, but I'm sure when she gets home, my pain causes her problems.

I constantly feel like I need to throw up, but I can't.  I'm all alone 90% of the day, and I'm hurting pretty bad, but there is nothing that can be done.  I want to feel better, but I can't figure out how.  The answer from everyone is always "time", but time is standing still.  Only the amount of daylight changes.

The articles on grief say that it's different for everyone.  I must be having one of the more severe reactions.

I talk to John often.  Sometimes I think he can hear me.  Other times, I think he's just gone.  I know he would help me if he could.  He always did before.  He always made everything okay, no matter what it was.

I know that I'm the only one that can really get me out of this pit.  Other people can talk to me and reassure me, but ultimately whether I make it out of this is up to me.

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