It was busy.. sort of. MaryBeth did a lot. John's memorial is set for next Tuesday night. I don't know how I'm going to be able to manage that, but there will be a lot of people there. If I died, there would be maybe 5. We're planning.. for a lot of people.
I want to say some things about John at the service. I've been thinking about it, and I don't know how coherent I can be. I'll make some notes this weekend. I need people to understand what I experienced over the last 10 years. It was far from ordinary. He was everything that is best in this world. I'm not sure how I can explain that to them.
John was a bit of a pack rat. Again, the opposite of me. We worked because we were opposites, even though that caused friction from time to time.
I just got back from taking Token and Riley to the playground, so they could run around. Riley looked happy, and he hopped and hopped.. and Token did his usual just walking around smelling everything routine.
I felt a moment of peace. I thought about John.. some thoughts about the memorial, as I watched them do their thing.
When we got back, Riley's routine is to run around the house to find John and jump up on him. He only managed half that routine. He looked, but John wasn't there.. and I cried again. I know Riley was confused.
I have intense anger at John, only for being gone. Any and all of the other stuff going on, and there was other stuff going on, meant nothing if he was here for when Riley got back from the playground.
John's death was avoidable. I didn't push hard enough, or change the way I am enough to get through to him. I thought it might come.. one of his doctors recently described exactly the scenario that played out.. but still, I thought that there's no way that it could happen to John. Those things only happen to other people. Not my partner. Not me.
Except this time.
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