Thursday, December 06, 2012

Day 3.5

It's 9:30pm.  I'm having a rough time.. and when I say that, it's stronger than the normal bad time.

I know that nobody will want to read this.  It's too depressing.  I'm sorry for that.  I write what's on my mind, and silly posts about right wing lunatics are not a frivolity I'm lucky enough to be thinking about.

I couldn't go through another 3 hour stint of looking at the powered-off tv like I did last night.  I turned it on and watched a couple programs that were recorded.  I deleted off shows that John had recorded that didn't interest me.  I immediately felt a rush of regret for doing that.  Those were John's shows, and that is his DVR.

Riley laid on the sofa in his usual tv watching position.. on the back pillows on John's side of sofa.  I went and sat in John's spot, and I think Riley was confused.  I've never sat on that side of the sofa before.  It felt like John.. and I cried again.

Watching the tv alone made me feel nauscious. Well, more than I typically do.  I have nausea from the tinnitus, and nausea from John being gone, and an extra dose when the anxiety hits me.

Is 'anxiety' the right word?  I think sadness is the right word.

I took the blue bags out to the alley before getting in bed.  I had to get them out of the garage, which meant opening the garage door to take them to the alley.  When I pushed the button, Token started barking.  That sound always signaled John coming home.  They thought he was finally home.  It was just me that came through the door. 

I'm typing this on John's laptop while in bed.  The F and J keys don't seem to work that well.  I thought about trying to sleep on John's side of the bed tonight, but I'm having a hard enough time keeping my breathing going.  When I move back into my house in Frisco, I'm not taking this bed.  I already had one there that was fine.  The bed we shared will be gone, and that is another needle in my heart.

I'll take the sheets and comforter.  After being washed, they won't smell like John anymore.  Actually, they don't now.  Victoria, our housekeeper, was here today and cleaned and did laundry.  She was very upset and in tears.  She's a very nice lady.

Token is under the bed, which is his safe spot when he's afraid.  I'll try and get him out from under there and lift him up onto the bed before I go to sleep.  I was not a big fan of sleeping in a bed with dogs when I first met John, but I got used to it.. and it's a good thing. 

I didn't live with John when I first met him.. it was a number of years before I moved in.  I used to come over every weekend, and sometimes during the week.  Every day I wasn't staying at his house, he would call me.  He never missed a single day.  At the end, he always told me he loved me.  I always said 'okay'.  I liked living with him better, and should have done it much sooner.

I'm sort of just passing time right now.  I tried to call my sister, but she's not home yet.  It's a two hour time difference.  As I said, I'm having a hard time. 

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