Sunday, December 09, 2012

A Random Title

I ate a sandwich yesterday.  That and a bowl of soup is the only thing I've had in 5 days.  I'm not hungry at all. I haven't had a beer.  The thought of it nauseates me.

This morning was really bad.  John's sister, MaryBeth, is not coming over today.  She's having her own crises.  John's brother Mike is coming.  John had a bunch of their late mother's belongings and he's going to be packing some of it up to take with him back to Houston where he lives.

I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to get back into my house in Frisco.  It's going to be a mess.  The house is already a mess.  I can hardly breath, much less move stuff.

There are a lot of single people in the world.  They do okay.  My friend Brandon is single, and while I think he would probably prefer not to be, it's not a mental health issue for him.  I'm single now, but I don't feel like it.  I'm still married... just to someone who can't be here.  I'm told that adjustments come in time.  It doesn't help the extraordinary pain right now.

I've been reading about grief.  One of the things that people experience is disbelief that the lives of other people go on as they were.  I've been experiencing that.  I know it's irrational.  I see people post happy things on facebook, and I wonder what's wrong with them.

I begin a lot of sentences with "I".  I've noticed that for quite a while.. not just since John passed.

I made the mistake of listening to a Steven Wilson album while reading, just to have some noise.  There is a song called Postcard that describes me.  I looked on youtube for a video.  It was a mistake.  This song plays over and over in my head.. in a loop.  I can't make it stop.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very powerful song. Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and will keep you there. I know I can't do much from here to help other than that. I can feel how much it hurts. Call me anytime you need to talk. Love you my friend.