John's father called me this morning and woke me up. That's okay. I hadn't talked to him in quite a while. I was thinking his family was shutting me out. John's sister hasn't returned my last 2 emails, and hasn't called.
As predicted, I feel shitty and had my noon-er meltdown. I'd been laying in bed, and the room got dark from clouds. Everything was closing in. It wasn't as intense or long as they have been. I did my usual begging and pleading with God and John. I've still got the jitters.
When I first moved to Dallas, I used to go to a particular bar. I got to know some people there, including a bartender named Steve. Rex talked to Steve last week. Steve's partner passed away about a year ago, shortly before their 25th anniversary. Steve went through the same things I am. He lost 25 pounds, etc. We'll go and see him sometime.
I frequently have songs pop in my head and repeat over and over. I can't stop it. When it happens, I try to focus my attention on the air purifier in the bedroom. Sometimes it works.
I'm having a bad day, which I guess is a typical day. I should take the dogs for a walk, but I'm stuck. I stopped taking the klonapin and started back on the valium, 2mg x2/day. I was hoping it would help with the tinnitus. It's not.
I'm doing some training requirements for the VA today. It's those things they require every year, privacy rules and so on.. it's 120 slides and the server is being hammered. So slow. I'm not sure how many slides the second one is. It's the only work I can do. I look at code and it seems like Chinese.
I'm going to try and go to an AL Anon meeting tonight. I hope they don't want me to say anything. I've been to some AA meetings with John, and I don't recall anyone crawling into a fetal position to cry.
I'm so angry at John. This was avoidable. It's so fucked.
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