Thursday, January 31, 2013


I started off the day at the psychiatrist's office.  She's an interesting character.  The net result is that I'm switching from Zoloft to Cymbalta.  Hopefully it helps.  It's kind of odd, though, that they had me fill out a stack of papers before I came to the office, but then she asked me all the questions again and wrote the answers down on different papers.  That's strange.  In any case, I just need her to get the medications right.

The idea is that it gets me through the rough time, and then I'll get off the anti-depressant.  I've never been depressed before, nor had this severe anxiety until John passed.

I also closed the rental house today.  That's one less thing to worry about.  I do need to remember to turn off the utilities there though.  It's sad because that was John's first house.  It was small, but he loved it.  The only reason he bought this house is because of me.

One of John's friends invited me out to dinner on Saturday night.  That was nice of her.  I don't have anything going on for the super bowl, so I guess I need to post on facebook for a charity invite.  I'd rather not watch the game on my own.

I haven't done much towards moving, and the clock is ticking.  I guess I'll try this weekend.  The thought of it is not pleasant.

Yesterday was John's 49th birthday.. or would have been.  It was the only day so far that I haven't cried.  That's odd.  Most days I have a good dam burster, but for some reason it just didn't come.  It did today.  In case I haven't mentioned it, I miss him terribly.  His father sent me 3 emails today.  I think I can hit all the highlights in one reply.

I've been trying to figure out a way to put into words what this feels like.  I haven't been able to for some reason.  It did occur to me today that it seems like the world is broken.  I think that's a good way to describe it.  Being with John was right.  It was natural.  We just fit together, and now everything is broke.

It didn't have to happen.  I told the psychiatrist what, and how much, meds John was on.  She was not surprised at all.  If John had not been taking them as he was, he'd still be here.  If I had put a stop to it, he'd still be here.  That was the single most important thing to me, and he and I both fucked it up... now he's gone, and I'm.. fucked.

And I completely forgot about the Al Anon meeting tonight.  Oh well.

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