So Tired

Not my daily routine today.

Woke up too early, which is routine, took the other half of the ambien, slept another hour and a half.  Woke up and sobbed for a half hour or so... talked to John, yelled, so on.

I had to do some actual work today.  I didn't enjoy it at all, and it was only a moderate distraction from the grief.  I did attend the weekly call with the group I support.  They all know my situation.. were very kind and sent flowers, which are dying in the foyer.  I need to throw all the flowers away.  I'm normally fairly jovial on the call, but was just providing the info that was necessary.

I went to see the audiologist at the ENT's office.  I decided to get the masking devices.  They cost me $1200, at a time when I don't really need the expense.  I have to do something though.  Hopefully they'll work and I can get some quiet for just a moment or two.  It's hard enough trying to grieve for John, do work, settle affairs, think about moving, etc., without this constant high pitched tone in my head.

I have what she described as slight to mild hearing loss, so I could have got hearing aids with the masker built in, but the price difference is exponential.  Just having the ringing go away is all I need.

It seems that there are certain nerves to the brain that carry particular frequencies and when they stop functioning, the brain makes up the ringing sound.  It doesn't seem like a problem that can be fixed with a medication or a change in diet.  She said that stress can increase the intensity of the ringing, which explains why it's louder now than it's ever been.

The ENTs office staff is really incompetent.  The Dr. sent a script into my pharmacy, which I got and took as prescribed (helped at first, not so much later), but I had no idea why he prescribed it.  The audiologist looked at his notes and somebody was supposed to call me with an explanation.  They never did.  His office staff are just useless.

Riley is laying in the foyer, just watching me.  He's been doing that more lately.  I turned the tv on so he'd have something to watch (he does watch tv), but since John's passing, he's getting more fixated on me.  He used to be very independent in the house, but I think that's because while I was on the computer, John was in the living room or bedroom and Riley had one of his humans within viewing range wherever he was.

Token is laying not far away as well, but Token doesn't watch me as much as Riley does.  I hope I can take care of them properly.  It's a big concern I have.  I sometimes think they'd be better off with a family... but Riley lays near me when I'm in the bed and just being able to pet him is a comfort.  I'd be totally alone in this house without them, and that's one of the hardest things to adjust to.

I'm just not meant to live alone, I realize that now.  The loneliness hurts pretty bad.  The loss of John is crushing.  Several times, every day, something new comes up that makes me feel worse.

And it seems like every moment stretches out for an eternity.