Thursday, December 13, 2012

Go On

I choked down half a sandwich that somebody left in the fridge and had some cheese & crackers.  I switched from tea to water because my sister reminded me that there's a lot of caffeine in tea, and I'm not a caffeine person.  That could explain why the ringing in my ears is louder when it was getting better before.

John was the one that was the tea freak, and I had just grabbed the bottles out of the fridge.

I watched a tv show tonight called Go On.  It had been on our watch list, but I hadn't seen any episodes in about a month.  The show is about a man who lost his wife and is in group counseling. It's one of those comedies that attempts to be poignant.  Invariably, the man ends up talking to his deceased wife at some point during the show and he ends up learning some life lesson or other.  He knows his conversations with his wife are figments of his imagination.

I'm jealous.  I wish I was crazy enough to see John and talk to him.

The show seems realistic in the sense that he often seems lost.  I feel that constantly, but still raw with the tremendous pain of losing John.

I don't think anyone can go through this sort of thing and be the same person afterwards.  I'm not.  I just hope I won't carry this complete lack of any sort of joy with me forever.  At some point, I'd like to feel happy again, because it's a really good feeling.  I look at pictures and it reminds me of what I was feeling like at the time, and it seems almost surreal that I could have been that way.

If I could see John and talk to him, he'd be able to tell me exactly what to do.  He'd help me fix my problems.  I'm pretty useless for myself.

Oh.. and my PCP called today to check on how I was doing.  I told her everything.  She is very compassionate.. a really good doctor.  She also suggested I bump the Zoloft up to the full 100mg.  I did that tonight.  I'm not opposed to medicating myself out of this pain right now.

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