Monday, December 10, 2012


Tonight was the first night I didn't call anybody, and nobody called me. I think after the memorial tomorrow, I'll truly be alone.. with my dogs.  It's hard to use "my"instead of "our".

I wrote down my eulogy for John.  I don't know how far I'll make it into it before I fall apart.  I'll try real hard to keep myself together to get through it.  It was difficult to write, because no matter what I wrote down, it just seemed lame.

I had a PB&J for dinner, and it was gross.  It wasn't much of one anyway.  I think I'm getting weaker, so probably need to get some ensure, like they give geriatric patients.  I feel a bit dizzy at times.  Passing out while giving a eulogy would not be a fitting momumnet to John.

The dogs are also not used to the change in diet, because they're used to eating off our dinner plates.  Now all they have is the dry dog food.  It's an excellent brand, but still.. it's not what they're used to, and I'm sure they're stressed also.

Tomorrow is going to be hell.  I don't know how to be a widower.  John had many friends.. real close friends.  He was a person magnet, and there's going to be a lot of people offering me their condolences, and I'm going to have to be cordual and thankful to them, even though they walk by with their husband or wife.  Mine is gone. 

John had one particular couple as friends that went through a hard financial crises.  The husband's company went out of business.. he became depressed and had hard time doing any work, generating any income.  They had to do a short sale on their house to avoid foreclosure.  They have kids.  They packed up what they needed, got rid of the rest, and moved into an apartment.  They are together.  They'll be at the memorial tomorrow.  They're nice people.. and they're still together, which is the only thing that should matter to them.

I don't know how much she was angry with her husband, but no matter how much stress that put on their relationship, they made the decision to be together and let whatever happened after that just happen.

I made the decision to be with John.  I don't know if he made the decision to be with me.

/ed MaryBeth just called me while I was finishing this up... at 10:00pm.  She was upset.  I'm glad she called me.  I think she's a new sister of mine, even though she technically has been for quite a while. 

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