Saturday, May 21, 2011

Can I Has Yer Stuff?

OAKLAND, Calif. – Some shut themselves inside to pray for mercy as they waited for the world's end.

Others met for tearful last lunches with their children, and prepared to leave behind homes and pets as they were swept up to heaven.

And across the globe, followers of a California preacher's long-publicized message that Judgment Day would arrive Saturday turned to the Bible, the book they believe predicts the beginning of Earth's destruction on May 21.

The doomsday message has been sent far and wide via broadcasts and web sites by Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer who has built a multi-million-dollar nonprofit ministry based on his apocalyptic prediction.

After spending months traveling the country to put up Judgment Day billboards and hand out Bible tracts, Camping follower Michael Garcia planned to spend Friday evening with his family at home in Alameda, near the Christian media empire's Oakland headquarters.

They believe it will likely start as it becomes 6 p.m. in the world's various time zones.

"We know the end will begin in New Zealand and will follow the sun and roll on from there," said Garcia, a 39-year-old father of six. "That's why God raised up all the technology and the satellites so everyone can see it happen at the same time."

Missing from most news articles on yet another missed Rapture is the fact that these people are, you know, crazy. They are crazy in a sad sort of way.. and they have children that are being exposed to this craziness.

Religion preys on the weak and the poor. It is a vampire of society, sucking the life blood of billions, creating nothing.

The CDC (Center for Disease Control) recently published it's recommendations on what to do in the event of a zombie invasion. I find that about a million times more likely to happen than god destroying the Earth and sending himself, in Jesus mode, back to the earth to gather up the "faithful".

It would also be far more entertaining.


Want to know the really scary thing? About 41% of the American population thinks Jesus will make a return trip during their life times.


I'm just blown away by that.


Anonymous said...

So this starts in New Zealand and moves across the globe. So I would have plenty of time to see it coming, ask for forgiveness before it gets to my time zone, and be called up with everyone else. Hey, that is a win/win situation especially with the sinning I did last night. :-) Want to stage some clothing on the sidewalk outside my house just to see what shit that would stir up. LOL a couple more sins I want to try before six.

John Ensminger said...

Ya, I know a Zombie Stockpile Bunker that should full provisioned in a couple of months in Richardson, Texas. We will just need to add a trap door to the roof, for you to go and shoot Zombies. Will also need a huge electrical generator and fuel.

Anonymous said...

Count me in!

Kor said...

Couldn't you power your Zombie fallout shelter with solar panels? I mean it should be ok unless the undead harbor some form of malice against photovoltaic cells. Wouldn't make for a better long term solution than a diesel generator, thus allowing for larger storage space available for munitions? Everybody knows that "goin’ for a supply run" during a zombocalypse always results in half your crew getting killed. That and some asshole is going to get bitten, not tell anyone then turn on your ass inside your safe zone 48 hours later.

Kor said...

Bah... Typo's. Wouldn't it*

Tom said...

Oh look.. the other half has made an appearance.. lol

He knows that during the zombiepocalypse that I'm going to take off and be on my own. I don't want anybody slowing me down, giving my position away, or causing me to consider the benefits of saving their ass vs. the risk to myself.

Everyone knows that bad things happen when you group up with other people. I'll go into Rambo mode.

Anonymous said...

Gotta love the financial planning going on in this guys mind...and Tom, you know you would just have to bite a few people if you be a zombie... :-)

"But the false prediction might not be so easily effaced from the lives of Camping's followers. The L.A. Times writes that Keith Bauer, a 38-year-old tractor trailer driver, took a road trip with his family to see the Grand Canyon before the world ended.

"With maxed-out credit cards and a growing mountain of bills, he said, the rapture would have been a relief," the paper writes."