Hire Your Own Criminal

LAS VEGAS – Paris Hilton was arrested on the Las Vegas Strip late Friday after a police motorcycle officer smelled marijuana smoke wafting from a black Cadillac Escalade driven by her boyfriend, then found a small amount of cocaine in her purse.

Here's the thing I don't get.

Rich people hire "domestic staff". If you're absurdly wealthy, doesn't it make sense that you would hire somebody to drive you anywhere you want to go 24/7? That would make DUI charges impossible. Heck, hire 3 people on rotation shifts to be on stand-by just in case you want to go someplace. Your house, no doubt, has servants quarters that they can hang out in while they aren't needed. Hiring 3 people just to drive you when your family's wealth is measured in the 10 digits is not a big deal.

You might have your own awesome car that you want to drive yourself. That's great.. when you're just out for the day with your friends and you know you're not going to get out-of-your-mind hammered until later that night.

Now let's assume you're also a ditzy 29 year old that likes to party. It gets a bit more tricky but the same principle applies. You hire somebody to hold your drugs. It'll cost more than just hiring a driver, but it'll keep you out of jail. You can even take them out with you, and their job is to pretend like they're not there, just kind of hanging out on the other side of the club.. but they've got your coke, and when you want some, you text them to meet you in the ladies room and you do some lines - all safe like.

You'd have to have an agreement that if your drug mule gets busted, you provide all the best legal help, and they get a reasonable cash bonus. They'll probably end up on some sort of probation, so you'll have to pay them a hefty severance fee, and then hire another mule.

Meanwhile.. you're not going to jail because you're stupid rich and stupid rich people should never go to jail. If they do, it's because along with being stupid rich, they're just stupid.