Moving On

.. is not as easy as you'd think.

A lot has happened since I've last updated you lot on my continuing saga. Things have changed dramatically. Spending time with my family showed me that I could feel normal again. Well, maybe 'normal' isn't the right word, but I was better. Those relationships are important, and over the last several years I had let them become strained. I had become so comfortable with John, the dogs, and the house, that it didn't seem like I needed anything else. That was a mistake.

It also seems that John's immediate family is far crazier than I gave them credit for. None of them speak to me anymore, with the exception of his brother Mike. I honestly don't understand that, and have no idea what it is that I did that caused that. John's dad sent me some really awful emails in the days following his passing, and his sister Sarah has always been a narcissistic psychopath, but through all of that I remained cordial and did the right things with the family property and so on. People who I thought were friends turned out to not be. I suppose that's just the nature of loss. I don't blame them. 

As Stephen King wrote, life turns on a dime.

I spent some time with a friend I hadn't seen in a number of years; Mr. W. (who isn't quite so anonymous now). The short of it is, he's wonderful. Naturally this creates the problem of being right in the middle of mourning the most important person in my life, and seeing that there can be life after that. It's confusing.

In my way, I thought I'd have to carry the pain and sorrow of losing John for the rest of my life in order to properly respect him.  When I was with my family, that pain was gone.  When I was with Mr. W., that pain was replaced by joy.  When I was alone, came the guilt.

Over the past 5 months, people have asked me what I thought John would want for me.  I honestly don't know. I think he would damn sure prefer to still be here with me. I'm just not going to rationalize anything I do on the idea that John would approve. I'm trying not to let social conventions get in the way of something that could actually allow me to be happy again.

I had honestly thought I'd be on my own for the rest of my life, and that wasn't such a pleasant idea. Consequently, I second guess every thought I have.  Am I interested in Mr. W. out of a fear of being alone? Am I so crazy that I'd latch onto anyone who was kind to me?  If I hadn't had such a strong impression of Mr. W. years ago, when I wasn't quite so crazy as I am now, then maybe I'd be more concerned about that.

So.. I've decided that the timing of the tragedies and joys of life are not up to me.  They just happen.  John will always be a big part of me, and Mr. W., being the sweet soul he is, understands that.  I'm sure every October 15th, on my anniversary with John, I'll cry like a baby all day.  I'll probably do it on December 5th as well.

But every other day can be the type of day I always wanted.  It'll be different than the days I spent with John, as they should be.  Mr. W. is his own man, and I have no interest of turning him into John.  That assumes, of course, that everything works out.. which doesn't seem to me to be a big 'if', but rather leaning towards 'when'. It's not completely up to me though.

In the books I've read on grieving, a common theme is that we're supposed to learn from loss. I have.  I could never use the word 'love' before.  I held my emotions back, both good and bad.  That's not a problem anymore.  I feel this compulsion to be completely open and honest about what I'm thinking and feeling.  The pain of loss hurts so badly that I want to tell the people that I love that I do, because it's the complete opposite of that pain.

I'm still a horrendous procrastinator though.  I guess some things never change.  I have every reason in the world to get everything here in Dallas sorted out as quickly as possible and move to Phoenix.. or Scottsdale. There is another life there for me.  A really good one.. a wonderful one.  I'll always wish what happened with John had not, and that I could have learned these lessons without having to endure what happened. I'm still not quite ready to let him go and say good bye, but I think when I move back to Phoenix, that might be the time.