Not Done

I went to John's house to pick up mail, and promptly fell apart again.  I'm doing better for longer stretches of time, but this is still completely fucked.

It seems like this entire process is designed around distraction.  I can play a game, or watch tv, or whatever, and I'm basically okay.  Not great, but I'm okay.  If I think about John, I start the same fits.. or whatever it's called.  And I want to think about John.. all the time.  To not would seem like abandoning him, and I can't do that.

I'm supposed to be able to think about John and remember the good times, and be happy.. but the problem is that when you remember the good times, you realize you don't have them anymore and then it all comes crashing down.

Today is Friday.  Tonight is date night with John.  I'm going to be alone here with the dogs, and I'll think about him and it's going to suck.  This is not how this was supposed to work.  Whatever it is that ruined this.. ruined everything.. is the target of my hate.  If it's 'God', then god can go fuck itself.  I don't give a shit about how everything gets fixed eventually.  I'm right here today, and John is not.. and that's bullshit.