Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Shrink That

I had my second visit with the psychologist today.  It was pretty rough.  I gave her my homework assignments.. or rather read them to her.  Much was talked about.  I'm not sure if I want to continue with her, or see somebody else.  I tell her that I'm slightly deaf, and she'll speak louder but then get softer.  Her memory doesn't seem that good.  I don't want to keep saying 'eh?'.  She repeated advice she gave me last week.  I guess that's not a big deal if it's good advice.

She asked me 4 times, in slightly different says, if I am suicidal.  I answered her honestly.  If John was going to die, then I would have preferred that it was a car accident that took us both.  As it stands, I highly doubt I'd do it.  I'm too big a coward, and as she said 'that's a good thing'.

Guilt is, as it's been, a central focus.  I wish that she would stop telling me that I didn't have a big role in what happened, but rather help me acknowledge and deal with it.  The fact is that I could have guided John on a different course if I wasn't so completely.. me.

She thinks I need to move sooner rather than later.  She asked me if I had someone close - I do now.. Rex is helping me, probably saving my life.  It's hard for family to help me over the phone.  We talked about my moving back to Phoenix.  As I've read, it's better to make big decisions when not under a lot of stress.

She tells me that the Zoloft isn't working.  Apparently I shouldn't have been laying on the bedroom floor, curled up in a ball, sobbing like mad yesterday morning.  I'm supposed to be numb, or close to it.  I really need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow because some anti-depressants just don't work for some people.  I have some Nortriptaline left over that I could take.  I hadn't thought of that.  In any case, I need to go from 150mg to 200mg tonight.

She described the anti-depressant as a band-aid.  It's something to get a person past the hardest parts, and if/when I get myself sorted out, I can ween of them again. 

We also talked about the book Randy sent me.  The shrink...her name is Linda (like my sister), is a big believer in the concepts of the after-life.  She told me about 2 of her patients that have had near death experiences, and it was pretty much exactly like the classic examples we've all heard of, which was what the the book was all about. 

It's not a long book, just a collection of 4 essays.  I think other people should read it.  On Life After Death, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

Linda (the therapist - not my sister Linda the therapist) suggested that I ask John to visit me in my dreams, which is one of the suggestions in the book.  I've been doing that.  I've been talking to him a lot.  I did have a dream last night with John in it, but I couldn't see him.  It was the first time. There was some some sort of problem, and I could hear John talking to somebody else about how to fix the problem.  I didn't understand what they were saying.. it was some technical jargon, but I know it was John explaining to somebody how to fix a problem I was having.

That was appropriate, I thought.  John was always fixing problems for me.  He knew how to take care of any situation.  That's part of my anxiety.  Beyond everything else I had with John, he was my protector.

I don't know if all this after-life stuff is hooey or not, but I know I've had 3 different weird things happen that seemed to me to be messages from John.  Maybe it's all a coping mechanism.  I guess I won't know for sure until I die.  I do know I'm less fearful of mortality now than I was.  If it is like they describe, I'm ready to go see my mom, my sister, my nephew and John, along with other friends and family that have passed.  If there is no after-life, then I guess I just won't exist to care.  Sounds fair enough to me.

I've been doing a lot of texting lately.  I need to buy a new phone.


Steve said...

Greetings. Just wanted to let you know that I've been reading along and following everything, and really just can't get in here to say anything. I barely knew John and, really, barely know you I guess.

Although my girlfriend doesn't read your blog, I relay some posts to her, and lately I've been talking a lot about your posts.

She's more familiar with death than I am, so a lot of what you're going through is more relevant to her than to me. Reading this post, you mention a book your therapist had you read, I looked over to Laura and asked what the book was that she mentioned (when I was reading another post of yours from awhile ago). It was not the same book. When I told her the title, she said, "sounds like a therapy book to me". Which, it probably was.

But anyway, the one she read was called "the year of magical thinking". I can't say it's a good book, having never read it, nor can I say it would help you in any way. All I can say is that L read it once and a post you made reminded her of that.

Anyway, I'm terribly saddened by everything that has happened to you, and if you need anything, or if you get that new phone and want to text, just let me know.

Your friend.


Tom said...

Thanks Steve. I know that it's hard to know what to do or say. I've been in that situation before, and I didn't offer the grieving person much.

I've had a quote that describes that very well sitting in the drafts folder of my blog for a couple years. I was planning to post it tomorrow.

You probably knew me pretty well, the person on the surface that I was before. That's changed now. I'm changed.

I can say that it's difficult for the greiving person to contact other people for some reason. I don't want to seem like I'm fishing for pity.

I've wanted to talk to Brandon, but I know he would have no idea what to say either.

Michael said...

Hey Tom,

Its been awhile since I last visited to read your blog. I wasn't prepared to read about your lose and it saddens me. I expected more political banter about Doug's ramblings.

A little over a year ago I watched my mother pass away at 60 right in front of me. She had MS which is horrible. I was devastated and still get choked up because it seems so unfair. I didn't go see my mom as much as I should have and that ate at me after.

Its incredible how depressed one can get after losing someone dear. I guess that is how we know we loved them.

Anyways Tom, your a bright guy so don't let Captain Depresso consume you. John wont be impressed if it does.

Kind Regards,
Michael (Gerex/Velevos)

Tom said...

Appreciate the nice words Michael.

Anonymous said...

What you're describing you want out of your therapist is known as CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you do end up switching, you could ask your current therapist if they could recommend someone they know who does CBT. It's pretty common nowadays and I'm sure there would be someone to help you in that way near by.

Keep holding on. There are definitely people out here that care about you.