Had a very strange thing happen last night. I couldn't fall asleep, so took an Ambien. I still couldn't fall asleep, but I felt a peace fall over me. I saw myself at my house in Frisco, having a new fence put in, hardwood floors installed, a new desk for my study, and organizing everything. I felt normal. I haven't felt normal since John passed. I didn't intentionally think about the house. I was awake but not in control of my imagination. It passed and I looked at the clock. It was 5:30am. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back to my twisted up self.
The message is pretty obvious. I get that. I hope it was John affecting me. I still had a noon sob-a-thon.
Rex needed to buy a new GPS, so we went to Frys and then Best Buy. I started not feelling well, and on the way back had a melt down. I thought the Zoloft was starting to work. It's clearly not.
I like to think I can articulate my feelings pretty well. I can't possibly convey how much John was a part of me.. how much I need him, and how much I love him.
We went to Frys pretty often. During trips like that, it was just a trip. But it wasn't. It was my life. I've never felt more comfortable with anyone in my life. Even when he was being a bit crazy, it was my crazy. He was mine, completely and totally.
Does that make any sense?
I look back now and think about the conversations we'd have when we were in a store, or driving. He was often teaching me things.. telling me the back story, planning something. I tend to be quiet, but he would talk. I liked that. I loved it.
Simple every day things are the most important.
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