Saturday, January 12, 2013

Strange Days

Had a very strange thing happen last night. I couldn't fall asleep, so took an Ambien. I still couldn't fall asleep, but I felt a peace fall over me. I saw myself at my house in Frisco, having a new fence put in, hardwood floors installed, a new desk for my study, and organizing everything. I felt normal. I haven't felt normal since John passed. I didn't intentionally think about the house. I was awake but not in control of my imagination. It passed and I looked at the clock. It was 5:30am. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back to my twisted up self.

The message is pretty obvious.  I get that.  I hope it was John affecting me.  I still had a noon sob-a-thon.

Rex needed to buy a new GPS, so we went to Frys and then Best Buy.  I started not feelling well, and on the way back had a melt down.  I thought the Zoloft was starting to work.  It's clearly not.

I like to think I can articulate my feelings pretty well.  I can't possibly convey how much John was a part of me.. how much I need him, and how much I love him. 

We went to Frys pretty often.  During trips like that, it was just a trip.  But it wasn't.  It was my life.  I've never felt more comfortable with anyone in my life.  Even when he was being a bit crazy, it was my crazy.  He was mine, completely and totally.

Does that make any sense?

I look back now and think about the conversations we'd have when we were in a store, or driving.  He was often teaching me things.. telling me the back story, planning something.  I tend to be quiet, but he would talk.  I liked that.  I loved it.

Simple every day things are the most important. 

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