Trying to get through today. Rex got me out of the house last night to have dinner and I ate the whole bowl of noodles and chicken. Today, just a Boost so far. I'll try to eat a can of soup later.
I took the dogs to the playground so they could be off-leash. Riley sprinted laps around me. He's clearly not getting enough exercise for a young dog. I'll try and force myself to do this more often.. like daily, but it's so hard.
I know being in the house all the time is hurting and not helping. I am just paralyzed. I got invited out to dinner tomorrow night with a few of John's friends, and I'll go. Hopefully I don't scare them in to avoiding me. Hell, they'll probably think that they did their duty and I won't hear from them again.
I don't think I mentioned that the shrink wants me to double the anti-depressant dosage. I messaged my doctor and she sent in the script, but still wants me to see a psychiatrist to manage the meds. I really don't want to. I haven't got to the point yet where I can force myself to do things.
My manager at MegaCorp just called while I'm writing this. I had asked her about how I report time if I'm not booking 40 billable hours a week. She was very nice.. and they're giving me plenty of slack. She also asked that after I move back to Frisco, if I wanted to come into the office a few days a week to break things up. I'm not sure about that.. it would probably be a good thing, at least for part of the day, but I don't like leaving the dogs alone for very long. They're not used to me being gone.
I just don't see any path to me being normal and healthy again. I know that's a defeatist attitude. You kind of have to be in my position to understand. I hope you are never in my position.
Token and Riley are playing tug with a toy in the foyer, just behind me. I need to go play with them. My heart's not really in it. At the end of playtime, Riley would run and jump up on John on the couch and I'd go back to playing a game computer, or whatever.
I've been the biggest douchebag in the universe.
/update
I went from the study to the family room to sit with the dogs on the couch and play some Texas Hold'em. There are 3 phones on the table to my front/right. I was setting my phone down on the table, when one of the other phones beeped. The phones are not plugged in to power nor have batteries. This is not the first time one of the phones has made a noise. The last time, Riley noticed it. This time, Riley was outside.
If we're keeping track of the strange things/noises that have happened, that would be #4.
I must be losing my mind.
6 comments:
I haven't been to your blog in a while and my heart broke as I read the posts from the last month. You have been on my mind and I regret that we didn't keep in touch. I'm very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the depth of your sorrow. If you need someone to listen, I'm still here. -Luis
Luis, I would very much like to get in contact with you again. I don't think the email address I have for you is valid. Do me a favor and leave another comment with the address if you don't mind, and I'll record it and then delete the comment off.
I never expected you even read this.
Appreciate your response. I agree that we have a political machine more than two parties. This is why I embrace the Constitution - of which both parties are ignorant of. As for John, I won't pretend I understand, because I don't. All I can do is offer my condolences, and prayer. I hope you figure out what you are trying to figure out. The storms of life have a tendency to make us rethink things. Of that, I can relate (if you'll remember my near-fatal accident). Anyway, in our political battles I want you to understand I never considered you an enemy - only an entertaining debate-mate. One that's off his rocker, but a debate-mate nonetheless. I am sure the off-his-rocker part is mutual. So, if you were surprised by my concerns for you, don't be. Despite our differences, after all these years of us slinging crap at each other like angry monkeys in a cage, I consider you a friend. Seriously. If there is anything I can do, let me know. And I know you aren't a man of faith, and that is fine, but understand that you are, and have been, in my prayers. Sorry I was long-winded, here, but having battled you for so long, my concern for you runs deep. Blessings,
Doug.
What do they say - act first and then head will follow. Kind of like the AA "fake it to make it" strategy.
When my head has gone, sticking to a routine helps me. It's going through the motions of dishes, taking the dogs to the park, checking in with people face to face that takes me forward.
When I sit alone and wait to get better, it just gets worse. :-)
I think you're doing well in the circumstances. Baby steps and one day at a time.
God bless,
Kris
Doug, I was never had an ill thought of you. I tried to be amusing and entertaining, as much as I'm capable of anyway.
John's passing has wrecked me, and now I need to figure out how I'm re-made. It's not going to be the same person.
And thanks Kris. There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.
I'm not much for walking now.
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