Wednesday, December 05, 2012

The World Turns

People have left and now it's just me, Token and Riley in the house.  I don't know what to do.  I shouldn't be posting on a blog.. I should be doing.. something.. but I don't know what that is.  I'm lost and confused.  Riley seems to know what is going on.  The way he behaved today has been heart breaking.

Every inch of the house I'm in is stamped with John.  I sit on the sofa, and he's supposed to be on the other side and we would talk about what to have for dinner.  I can't eat.  I'm constantly on the verge of vomiting.  I'm using John's lap top.  It has some of the skin from his finger tips on the keyboard.  I can feel it.

He is gone, but I expect the stupid joke to be done and for him to start fixing dinner.  There are a million things I didn't say to him that I should have.  I would think after all this time, he knew anyway.

What do I do next?  I can't turn the tv on.. the programs that are recorded are the ones we watch together.  You're not supposed to watch tv when your spouse dies.  You're not supposed to write anything.  I cried pretty much non-stop today, and after taking a 30 minute hot shower a little while ago, I looked in the mirror.  It looks like I've been punched in both eyes and my nose is raw.

There was a time, fairly recently in fact, that I asked myself if I wanted to stay in this relationship.  John was asking himself that also.  I asked him if wanted me to, he said yes, and I said I wanted to also.  That was not rent for another 6 months.  That was supposed to be for a very long time.

I'm rather introverted in most ways.  I keep an even keel for a long time.  When something bad happens, I have no coping mechanism.  The word 'bad' is dumb.  This is the end of the life I knew and wanted, and the denial of it forever.

The dogs are both on the love seat, napping.  I'm exhausted and it's only 7pm.  I have some hours to go before I can crawl into the bed we shared and try to sleep.

Other people are devastated.  John had a nice family and a wide circle of friends.  They send messages.. say how sad they are.. but tomorrow they have to go to work and deal with life as it is every day.  I'm told I can get consuling.  I know what they'll say, but I still wonder if it's worth doing.

I am so alone, even though people say I'm not.  I don't believe them.

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